Urgh...

    I have no idea what it is about traveling that makes me feel so sick, but today is not a very good day for my stomach nor my head.
    I am sure it could be the three or seven cups of coffee in me and the lack of food but oh well.
    Wednesday I go in for taping and weighing. This day has come a bit too fast for me to handle.

    Started writing, yet again, and holy hell am I rocking it.
    Plus, I placed in a short story contest and if I get lucky I might hit it with fifteen-thousand, freaking, dollars. Hot shit, kids, hot shit!

Always the Thought On My Mind

       I hear Nantes and I want to leave. The urge to go away and never return is at times very overwhelming. To drink a scotch and smoke my MCDs without concern for what might become of my health. To have no one in the world to worry or care for what might become of me.
        The reasons not to want a family are tantamount to fire and a tree. They can both be quite beautiful, but together it is not beautiful. It is nothing but destruction and utter chaos. This is an attempt at reaffirmation in myself that I am sure what I do not want, or so I would guess.

        Someday I will leave these places and maybe then I can be happy. You can always run from the wordly, but you can never run from the ethereal.
        And here are a few words that I am quite fond of.


"I'll sing of the walls of the well and the house at the top of the hill
I'll sing of the bottles of wine that we left on our old windowsill
I'll sing of the years you will spend getting sadder and older
Oh love, and the cold, the oncoming cold."
Beirut - Cliquot

"Now that my ladder's gone
I must lie down where all the ladders start
In the foul rag and bone shop of the hear"
William Yeats

At a Distance

        They smile but they are not truly happy.

        I am watching things as if distanced from my family. I wish I were not acknowledged as much as I am. Watching them go about their life in this one little room with this song simultaneously moving with each movement of them.

        I do not like Christmas and I doubt I ever will.
        I do not like people and I doubt I ever will.

At Home in Texas

        In the few places I have lived I have never felt at home; ever. Always something seemed to be missing. I am at my brother's house and, for once, I feel at home and rarely feel 'shunned' or as if I am agitating everyone around me. Wish I knew what it was that makes me feel this way so I could resign from feeling like the absolute fuck up every minute of the day.

        Three weeks or so and I am gone.

Coffee Shop Thoughts

          I sit here in my usual place with my writing and read. People converse with me and I do my best to offer up conversational fodder so that I can learn this person or that one better. There is music playing and the pitter patter of people, the yelling of drinks people have ordered, and the muffled muttering you hear through the window as people smoke and talk jovially. These people's lives will continue regardless of whether you are here or not.
          That is one of the scariest things about life. People will continue as if you never existed even if you were a meaningful part of their life. Why, though? A question I have asked myself many times.
          I write to no one through this as no one looks at this. I am alone here and will remain that way until I leave; even then I will be alone. I want that but is it what is best?
          It is only a little less than a month before I leave and am gone from peoples' lives for a time. How will I handle it? Some of those people have faith in me, but I have little faith in myself at this point.

Wtf?

Booo, blogspot is not great!