Dance, Dance, Dance, Dance To The Radio...

    The two middle windows are open letting in a late summer breeze. It is not cold but not hot. A nice mild day to exist in. Existence in and of itself is something that is reproachable by many. As is my existence as far as several are concerned.
     Existence, I have tried to end mine on countless occasions. Few know this and I failed on those countless attempts. I was not out for attention. I was not out to hurt myself. I wanted others to hurt. Everyone, I wanted them all to hurt so bad that they could understand what I felt on a constant basis.
     I have loved and I have lost. Loss seems to be the constant with the love on the other end. My life is lived in a detrimental manner. I intend to kill myself. Not in a fast manner or to end something abruptly. My body will be destroyed slowly because there is too much beauty in this horrific world. People are so bad to each other and I feel it.

I feel it down to the very inner being of my soul.
     No one can solve this problem but me. Why would I want to solve this 'problem' of loneliness and neglect? Telling myself constantly that without the unhappiness and loneliness I can never cherish when I have something so true that truth is an obsolete word. I want to love again, but I fear that love will end the way it did in earlier attempts.
Life feels pointless to me.

I want to live so bad that to kill myself would resolve nothing.
     Would resolve one thing though. That one thing is whether there is a God or not. If there is then I am living improperly in the eyes of those that do believe.

Should I meet God.
What would I ask him?
How could He create something so beautiful such as free will and allow people to corrupt it.
     No one can help me in this. I am alone and will deal with my grief and such non-sense as I always have. To destroy and give birth.
     They tell me I think too much about things that do not matter. If I did not think about those things then who will? How will they perceive them and would they use their thoughts to harm others?
     I refuse to see any more people hurt. Martyrdom seems the only way at this point. Selfless altruism at its preceptive best.

     I leave you now with a few songs as is custom:

To the center of the city where all roads meet, waiting for you,
To the depths of the ocean where all hopes sank, searching for you,
I was moving through the silence without motion, waiting for you,
In a room with a window in the corner I found truth.

Joy Division - Shadowplay


Do you find this happens all the time,
Crucial point one day becomes a crime,
And Im not the kind that likes to tell you,
Just what I want to do,
Im not the kind that needs to tell you.
New Order - Age of Consent

Full of glory never seen,
They made it through the whole machine,
To never question anymore,
Hypnotic trance, they never saw,
They walked in line.
Joy Division - Walked in Lines

I Can Barely Define The Shape Of This Moment In Time...

     I found out how my father died, realized lies and falsities, found a family I never knew, came to love and dearly missed people, and here I sit pondering it all. This is the first time I have had much time to myself since I have been here in Ohio. Not that I am looking to be reclusive here. I am here to learn and research; to find the truth.

     My father died, not alone as is always said, but in a lucid state in utter bliss. Maybe not in the best manner possible. Though death is rarely in a manner that can be considered 'best' by few. Those who can consider a death 'best' are those that see people as objects and are hardened to this world and life. As I have heard, and sincerely believe with all my heart, his last words consisted of:


I have two children. A daughter and a son. I have never been happier.


     I believe these words as in his death he no longer felt pain. I miss the man I never knew. Cried many a night and worried I would never come to know him. Distanced from those who had the information I craved.

Distance has never, and will never, stop me.

     Some, if not most, of these people think he walked out the door and will walk right back in at any time. The one person who accepts what is is the person I am with now. She has a mind and it is quite like that of what I believe her father's was. The more I learn the more I see I am reincarnate. Not that anyone has ever, or could ever, replace what my father was. What he is.
     Those people create their own world in an attempt to cope with what most of those who knew him best admit. When my father died the world lost out. The world will never know what an impact it took. I can never realize what an impact it took, but I can gain an idea from how people talk and remember what they do.

     My father will be remembered. I will not ruin what precious gift he gave me. There will be mishaps and screw ups, but I will never trash what I have received. This man I never knew and never will has been, will always be, my father. There is not a thing he could have done that would cause me to not love him. I live my life in his image and ask myself, at this point, what he would do when troubled.

     Nathan Wayne Burney is dead. The door will never open again with him to come through it. I refuse to disillusion myself to believe it no matter how much I want to believe it. At this point all I can do is 'shine on' and accept the loss yet never forget the world's.

     I leave you now with two songs and song lyrics:

Thought I oughta bare my naked feelings,
Thought I oughta tear the curtain down.
I held the blade in trembling hands
Prepared to make it but just then the phone rang
I never had the nerve to make the final cut.
Pink Floyd - The Final Cut

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here



I wish you could have met him.