Life Is Alright On The Rhine...

...but not here.
I did the grown up thing and attempted to put things aside in an attempt to bring closure to myself and to her. In all honest belief I feel that I attempted to do my part. On hers I feel she did not. In my mind her intentions were for her to brag upon what she is going to become. To let me know I lost something great.

What a bitch move.

This is why I am done for now, and hopefully, for good. The cynic in me is only strengthened through this marvelous act of selfishness. Altruism is dead in all. My attempts to be altruistic have failed and allow me to know that no one can be the epitome of what that word is meant to say. Words may just be words and ink (or pixels in this case), but to some extent, and I go against all I have ever said, they do have a meaning behind them. If you enact to be a word then you should live up to what is required by said word.

Too much hope and cynicism in one post. They will strangle each other eventually and I will be left without a page to let all you people who do not check out this site know that life is just peachy in this small town of waste and decay.

Beirut - Rhineland (Heartland)

Truly gladdened...

It Makes Me Truly Glad

No one reads this and that makes me happy. For if someone, to say someone I know, read this then they might know how I feel. If they knew how I feel then they would know I was lying the entirety of the time I talked to them. That would make for some awkward situations in conversation, no? Like the times they ask me how I am doing and I say well. Not to say people ask how I am doing or anything (unless prompted in someway i.e. "How are you doing today, Soandso").
Aggravation is what I feel these days. Sheer aggravation at everyone and everything anymore. Why? The questions that only I can answer for myself, and if only answerable by myself then I am quite screwed. As of late I have wanted to do nothing other than give up due to this aggravation.
I really wish I had stayed in the Military. Life was simple and the few fights and bit of, for lack of a better word, drama that broke out were easily resolved. Here people are not forced into confrontation and that is what gets them. We, as a people, avoid conflicts. Some of the people I know avoid conflicts to the extent that they would rather ruin their own lives just to not see Soandso. Why?
I find myself wishing I had never seen some of these people again. To have never told them that I was back. That would have saved myself grief and the feelings that come with it. For you I wish I had never met you in the first place. When I say never I mean it. Not that I dislike said person, but instead that I dislike the way I feel towards them as it makes myself feel empty. Makes me want to give up.

Oh well. To vent and release is what this box is for and that is exactly what I have done.

I Wish I Had Never Met You

What is Home?

What is Home?

I had this gut feeling that I would be happy again once I was here. Now I am here and yet I do not feel that happiness in my gut any longer.
What happened?
I miss the people I knew and the people I loved. They understood and I came to bond with them in a way I have never bonded with anyone before.
What happened?
You can never go home again. No matter where it is and regardless of how happy that place made you feel before you left. The customs and normal every day things you once did fly out the window, and then you learn to live a different way. I can never return .. neither can you.
Why not?
That is a good question, and that is a question I wish I could answer; I cannot. I love my family and, to some extent, the friends I have. They, well, did not change as I had expected them to. The same life continues and no one grows while I feel I am beyond what I was. There is more for me to offer than what is asked of me.

School in the fall?
Doubtful.
Where am I going to end up in life?
Will I die unhappy?

Will I die regretting that I did not do more to cease this bland existence?