I Can Barely Define The Shape Of This Moment In Time...

     I found out how my father died, realized lies and falsities, found a family I never knew, came to love and dearly missed people, and here I sit pondering it all. This is the first time I have had much time to myself since I have been here in Ohio. Not that I am looking to be reclusive here. I am here to learn and research; to find the truth.

     My father died, not alone as is always said, but in a lucid state in utter bliss. Maybe not in the best manner possible. Though death is rarely in a manner that can be considered 'best' by few. Those who can consider a death 'best' are those that see people as objects and are hardened to this world and life. As I have heard, and sincerely believe with all my heart, his last words consisted of:


I have two children. A daughter and a son. I have never been happier.


     I believe these words as in his death he no longer felt pain. I miss the man I never knew. Cried many a night and worried I would never come to know him. Distanced from those who had the information I craved.

Distance has never, and will never, stop me.

     Some, if not most, of these people think he walked out the door and will walk right back in at any time. The one person who accepts what is is the person I am with now. She has a mind and it is quite like that of what I believe her father's was. The more I learn the more I see I am reincarnate. Not that anyone has ever, or could ever, replace what my father was. What he is.
     Those people create their own world in an attempt to cope with what most of those who knew him best admit. When my father died the world lost out. The world will never know what an impact it took. I can never realize what an impact it took, but I can gain an idea from how people talk and remember what they do.

     My father will be remembered. I will not ruin what precious gift he gave me. There will be mishaps and screw ups, but I will never trash what I have received. This man I never knew and never will has been, will always be, my father. There is not a thing he could have done that would cause me to not love him. I live my life in his image and ask myself, at this point, what he would do when troubled.

     Nathan Wayne Burney is dead. The door will never open again with him to come through it. I refuse to disillusion myself to believe it no matter how much I want to believe it. At this point all I can do is 'shine on' and accept the loss yet never forget the world's.

     I leave you now with two songs and song lyrics:

Thought I oughta bare my naked feelings,
Thought I oughta tear the curtain down.
I held the blade in trembling hands
Prepared to make it but just then the phone rang
I never had the nerve to make the final cut.
Pink Floyd - The Final Cut

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here



I wish you could have met him.